This past Wednesday, I awoke with a numb right ear and a rushing water sound that had been present for a couple of days. The numbness was new and quite bothersome, but my daughter had a doctors appointment and we hopped in the car to see her specialist. As I was driving, I felt pressure in the ear and the deadening feeling was beginning to alarm me. I called my husband and asked him to speak to me through the phone and I immediately realized I couldn’t hear a thing. Alarming~~~~ I looked at Lanie and said, “We trust in God’s sovereignty.”
Sovereignty is a big word and never needs to be downplayed. It is everything to me. It simply means that He “possesses all power and is the ruler of all things.” Even in the midst of not understanding, we can understand that He is absolutely ever present. I don’t have to wonder if He knew this was going to happen. Of course, He did. He is sovereign.
“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb…My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” Psalm 139:1-2; 13, 15
I don’t have to think this is too difficult for Him, of course not. He has created the earth, knit us together, parted the seas, spoken through fire, rescued us from ourselves and the clutches of the enemy. Of course, I know He can do whatever He pleases. He is sovereign.
“I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is there anything too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27
I don’t question His love for me. There is no greater love than what He sent His son to do on the cross. There is no greater love than how He rescued me from my own poor choices and bad patterns. There is no greater love than how He breathed hope into my little girl as she learned to battle a life long chronic illness. There is no greater love than how He called her brother to faithfully help her carry the load of a heavy cross this little girl was bearing. There is no greater love than how He revived my marriage by humbling us and bringing us to our knees, so that our Heavenly Father could teach us about respect, humility, and serving one another. He is sovereign and His love is certain.
We finished seeing my daughter’s doctor, who also looked in my ear and assured me it wasn’t wax or fluid and then urged me to get to an ENT. My husband was already swiftly moving in this area on my behalf. After informing the doctors, they classified it as an emergency and saw me immediately.
An odd thing to go to sleep being able to hear the birds and then awakening to that particular ear completely deaf to the sound. My heart pounded as I sat in the testing center with the audiologist. I repeated to myself, “You are sovereign, Lord.”
“My comfort in my suffering is this, Your promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:50
She placed the earphones on and asked me to press a button when I heard beeps, followed by me repeating certain words she would say. My heart pounded as I was so clear in one ear and could not recognize any words in the other. Okay, Lord…well, this is not what I anticipated this week.
Tears filled my eyes as my mind visited all the “what if’s.” The scenarios of the future spun around in my head like a merry go round. The sweet audiologist delicately told me that the ENT would give me options. Options? What does that mean? I walked out and found my husband waiting on me. He knew by the look in my eye.
“What a person desires is unfailing love.” Proverbs 19:22
My husband and I have walked through a lot in our short 20 years. We often laugh and say that everyone else takes great vacations and weekly dinner dates to deepen their affection. We just simply wait on the hurricane and somehow it cleans things out and strengthens us in our commitment and love for one another. For there is beauty from each storm if we will walk through it with the Father.
But please understand, I’m by no means saying couples shouldn’t date and take trips, it just hasn’t been something we have been very organized with. However, I will say that grocery store dates are great!! We definitely like those!
Marc and I walked into the room where we met with the ENT. She sat down, looked me straight in the eye and said “I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer. Your ear has been infected with a virus and we will do everything we can to save as much hearing as possible.”
They began to numb my ear and inject it with steroids, and then sent me home with a high dose of oral steroids. I would love to report a change but there hasn’t been one yet. I can most certainly tell you that my husband’s snoring doesn’t bother me much now, but I am praying for God to heal and restore my ability to hear in that ear. I actually might appreciate the snoring!!
For someone who likes to listen and talk with others, this has definitely slowed me down. Deciphering sounds and where they are coming from is difficult. Trying to make sure my left ear is turned so I can hear requires discipline. The loud rushing sound in my affected ear is distracting and makes it difficult to concentrate (and y’all know how ADD I am anyway)!
But, God is sufficient and I rely on that. He is giving me comfort and peace. He hasn’t revealed anything to me regarding my ear, but He is sustaining me with His love. Thursday morning I awoke and thought I needed some quite time to be with Him. I visited a frequent place that I go to that is covered in greenery and positioned by water. I sat at a table and opened the Scriptures that have rescued me time and time again. I flipped to 1 Peter 5:19
“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.”
Yeah…the first thing our humanity wants to do is put God on trial and question Him or maybe dig ourselves in a hole and not come out until we’ve figured out how to deal with it all. I felt it. I get it. But, I guess I also have experienced asking God some really hard questions and letting Him guide me to His truth and walk me through some very isolating and dark times. He has shown me His power first hand. Focusing on doing good and continuing with life is what He knows helps us to stay strong and connected. He knows we need that. To move forward ONE FOOT at a time; ONE DAY at a time.
So what now? Well, I wait, pray and trust. I focus on what I do KNOW, not what I don’t…And this is what I know-
“For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.” Psalm 71: 5-6
I will have an MRI to check for a tumor next week. I pray that God will bring my hearing back before then…like now and I would be so grateful if you would join me. I know my God heals. I have no question that He can do it.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.” Eph. 6:10
Ultimately, I trust in my Savior’s will. Am I nervous? um, yes. Do I wish so badly this hadn’t happened? um, for sure. But ultimately, my security is in His love and His goodness. Once again, I so appreciate and value your prayers for healing. And may our love for Jesus and for others only grow stronger through whatever trials each of us might face.
His daughter and servant,