The next few days I continued to go to His Word, but now something was different. There was such a strong sense of desire that I can’t really explain. He had given me HOPE!I read with hope…. I read with belief. He took me to Psalm 119 and called me to underline every single place it referenced His word, statue, decree, precept, command, etc. ~157 times~ He pressed me to believe every word it said. To meditate on it and so I did. I began to feed on the word….literally inhale and exhale it. I kept notecards with me and pulled them out all throughout the day. It seemed that my mind was still so fragile and fearful that I had to have His truth resting around me at all times. It strengthened me in ways I really can’t describe.
“I have treasured the words of your mouth more than my daily bread.” Job 23:12
“Oh Lord your laws are righteous and in your faithfulness you have afflicted me.” Psalm 119:75
“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” Psalm 119:71
It is DESPERATON AND DESIRE that fuels us to memorize His word. It is then we are ready to see Him and marvel at His power! His Words began to sink in my soul and come out of my mouth. I was able to give my children hope…my marriage hope.
Everything was changing in my insides….A MIRACLE occurred that I couldn’t describe. Maybe not the parting of waters but the parting of my heart…. For God had been killing my flesh, my idols, my dependencies and I felt like I was dying….dying to myself. Yet, at the same time, I felt ALIVE and for the first time in my life really understanding how ALIVE Jesus really was/is!!!
When God cut me free from the puppeteers, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I was here for. I had spent my life living for others and myself. Now, that was no longer desired. In other words, I was experiencing the reality of what God called rebirth. I was starting a new life from ground up and needed Him to begin to shape my identity around Jesus through the power of His Spirit. Because I had lived for everyone else and was now living for Him,, I had to have Him tell me how to do that. What that looked like. Yes, I had been in church and proclaimed my love for Him for years of my life but this was different. This was real…This was ALIVE…. This was true! Yes, I had been cut free and fallen in the hands of the Father!
I had been freed! I had been given hope! I begged Him to take my life and use it. For this is all I have to give you. I have no gift, nothing of value to offer the God who saved and rescued me from, not only my sins but from myself. Please take my life as my gift offering to you, Jesus.
“And I said, Here I am. Send me!” Isaiah 6:8
Time would pass. You may ask, “what about the miracle???” “Is she healed?” I believe she is a miracle. Not because God healed her physically, but he did spiritually. She gave Him her heart and she is His. She looked at me in the hardest of times when I would tell her how I wished I could take it from her and say, “Mama, God didn’t give this to you. It’s not yours.” Medically, she takes a plethora of medicines to enable her to sleep as well as stay awake. For her cataplexy, she takes a medicine that has enabled her to feel excitement without negative consequences. Laughter is better. She just has to watch how much she laughs and the degree of it. She told me at 8, when she gave her life to Jesus, “You know mom, I didn’t need Jesus before. I need Him now for my every day.” She repeated these same words not long ago. She has a daily reminder of her utter dependence. Recently, I encouraged her by telling her that they were working on medicines that would help her like insulin helps diabetics. Her response was, “That is wonderful, mom but I’m worried I wouldn’t depend on Jesus like I do now.” I assured her that if they found something to help her, we were stinking taking it and I would make sure there were other ways she stayed dependent! Insert, my sarcasm and laughter. She needs Him every single day. She depends on Him coming through every single day. To me, this is a miracle…a miracle of the heart.
Her brother…a miracle… he also would give his life to Jesus. He has proved to be his sister’s most loyal prayer warrior. He wrestles with why she isn’t healed physically, but has concluded that God is God and He is not. He loves Jesus deeply and continues to go before the throne on her behalf. He is her best friend and undeniably has been the best brother!
My marriage….a miracle….time would pass and through some radical moving of the Holy Spirit in my husband and my self, God would miraculously unite us. It is amazing how when Jesus becomes your everything, that every thing falls into proper perspective.
We live in a world hungry for the presence of God. A world longing for miracles. I can’t promise that a miracle is going to happen in a tangible way that you want (though I absolutely believe He physically heals each and every day), but what I can say is that the Holy Spirit’s powerful movement in your life and my life will produce an inward unexplainable act of God that will leave you proclaiming “He Lives,” and isn’t that all what we want more affirmation of??? HE LIVES! I can tell you without one bit of doubt that He most certainly does!!!!
And myself, a miracle. I surrendered my entire life to Jesus Christ and life has looked differently. I no longer practice therapy but teach Bible study and love the women God places in my life. I hope this blog is a way to communicate my love and encouragement from Christ. I pray it is a place where you find strength and kindness. Life is beautiful and hard; messy and marvelous. We need each other and we need God.
Being on the other side of surrender is freeing and challenging. I long more for Jesus and His ways. I desire to die to myself more and more but I still wrestle with struggles, desires and hardships. I have tasted His glory and want more!! I hope we will find a friendship together through the fascinating world of the internet. I would love to hear from you and hope you know that I am cheering you on!
In His Love and Grace,